Government Conspiracy?

Has anyone else noticed the horrendous amount of entertainment and advertising focusing on pregnancy and child rearing? I know, there have always been commercials for Luvs and Pampers since the disposable diaper first started piling up in landfills. There was a salute to pregnant actresses at the Oscars this year. Movies like Knocked Up and the Brothers Solomon line the shelves of the local Blockbuster. Every third commercial has either a pregnant woman or a new born in it. What happened at the last high powered advertising meeting? I think I know:

Advertising exec #1: Consumer debt is at an all time high. Everyone wants to pay off their debts before buying our new cheap shit from the Wal Mart. How can we get the customer base to buy again?

Advertising exec #2: Maybe we should try to convince them to breed, then we can drain their wallets while they raise their children and get a whole new crop of consumers.

Advertising exec #3: Brilliant. It will also boost sales of various shitty body sprays because men watching commercials filled with pregnant women and newborns will be hard pressed to perform and secure their own immortality through procreation and hitting themselves in the chest with doorknobs.

Advertising exec #1: I'll run the slicks tonight.

Also, for some reason, I believe that all this pondering of conspiracy and advertising trickery has made me sterile. Either that, or someone really needs to bring back the sun.

The Morning Conversation

Word for word, what was spoken as I was getting dressed and the Wife was getting ready to use the bathroom:

C: How did you sleep?

W: Like a rock. You?

C: I kept having weird dreams and waking up?

W: What did you dream about?

C: You know that book, Indian In the Cupboard?

W: Did you dream that you were being attacked by midgets on scooters again?

C: No. I dreamt that I had the cupboard and was putting all kinds of weird shit in it.

W: Like what?

C: Well, dildos mostly.

W: Do you have an overwhelming fear of anal rape?

C: I don't think I am more afraid than any other guy.

W: Can you take the bus to work this morning?

And thus ended my morning at home.

Well, at least I don't believe in Retro

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

An Oldy but a Goody

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Master Humpy Jizzalott

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The Reason for the Season

Today we celebrate the festival instituted as a misconstruction of Chaucer's bird mating timeline by those fine folks in the greeting card industry. Also, today is a great day to settle old business debts by killing every last motherfucker in the room. For the wife and myself, it is a day of irony. To explain this, I must go back to December the 7th, a day that will live in infamy.

It also happened to be the wife's birth day. As a treat, we went to a Teppanyaki restaurant. She has since fell in love and so have I. Their Cosmopolitans are to die for (so I am told) and they have the big bottles of that Japanese beer with the golden dragon on it. Whilst spending the birthday evening surrounded by knife wielding chefs with a shaky grasp on the English language, I leaned over to the people sitting next to me and asked them if they thought it ironic that we were spending Pearl Harbor day getting shit faced and eating Japanese cuisine.

The girl lifted her glass of water and told me that she did not know what I was talking about. The only reason they were out and about was because of a bomb threat at the local community college. Huh. I thought. Imagine an institution of learning, which enrollment is strictly voluntary and should only be sought out in the pursuit of knowledge and understanding of the world we live in, is the potential subject of destructive violence. And all the while I'm staring at a flaming onion volcano on Pearl Harbor Day. Suffice it to say, the place was packed.

Tonight, we are going there again for the customary Valentine's pre-coital meal (because God wants us to). This morning, I was strongly encouraged to attend an information seminar on sexual harassment in the work place. So help me God, I will never use the phrases "Wookie Bush," "Midget anal," "four inches of Irish fury," or "Dinky Donkey humping cum dumpster" out of context again. At one point during the seminar, the informational video skipped from a man saying he had an appointment with the doctor to a woman explaining that it is never a good idea to grab a woman's breasts in the workplace, even in the context of a joke. The people putting the seminar on never rewound the video, so now I have Tom Poston running through my mind grabbing detached floating boobies and going "Honk! Honk!" all the while. Should make for an interesting afternoon.

What are you doing for the Hallmark Holiday?