Today we celebrate the festival instituted as a misconstruction of Chaucer's bird mating timeline by those fine folks in the greeting card industry. Also, today is a great day to settle old business debts by killing every last motherfucker in the room. For the wife and myself, it is a day of irony. To explain this, I must go back to December the 7th, a day that will live in infamy.
It also happened to be the wife's birth day. As a treat, we went to a Teppanyaki restaurant. She has since fell in love and so have I. Their Cosmopolitans are to die for (so I am told) and they have the big bottles of that Japanese beer with the golden dragon on it. Whilst spending the birthday evening surrounded by knife wielding chefs with a shaky grasp on the English language, I leaned over to the people sitting next to me and asked them if they thought it ironic that we were spending Pearl Harbor day getting shit faced and eating Japanese cuisine.
The girl lifted her glass of water and told me that she did not know what I was talking about. The only reason they were out and about was because of a bomb threat at the local community college. Huh. I thought. Imagine an institution of learning, which enrollment is strictly voluntary and should only be sought out in the pursuit of knowledge and understanding of the world we live in, is the potential subject of destructive violence. And all the while I'm staring at a flaming onion volcano on Pearl Harbor Day. Suffice it to say, the place was packed.
Tonight, we are going there again for the customary Valentine's pre-coital meal (because God wants us to). This morning, I was strongly encouraged to attend an information seminar on sexual harassment in the work place. So help me God, I will never use the phrases "Wookie Bush," "Midget anal," "four inches of Irish fury," or "Dinky Donkey humping cum dumpster" out of context again. At one point during the seminar, the informational video skipped from a man saying he had an appointment with the doctor to a woman explaining that it is never a good idea to grab a woman's breasts in the workplace, even in the context of a joke. The people putting the seminar on never rewound the video, so now I have Tom Poston running through my mind grabbing detached floating boobies and going "Honk! Honk!" all the while. Should make for an interesting afternoon.
What are you doing for the Hallmark Holiday?
2 comments:
Wookie bush?
I... I don't know what to say.
I think... Yes, I'm certain that I want to see a wookie bush.
No, you do not, in fact, want to see "wookie bush." However, if you really really do, just watch any porn made in the 70's.
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